Ever wake up one morning and realize you don’t know who you are?
Not amnesia or a hangover.
I mean a moment of clarity where it hits you that days are flying by with relationships, to-do lists, dreams, and labels of yourself that don’t quite nail who you are and leave you feeling kind of lost in your world? You’re grasping at all the pieces that create you but they don’t fit together yet in the image of yourself that you want to create and the puzzle seems increasingly perplexing.
I woke up a few mornings ago, on my birthday, feeling utterly depressed that I am now a new age and have “nothing to show for it.” Of course, that’s a lie: I have a great family, awesome husband, wonderful pets, no debt, a roof over my head, food, clothes, and the basic things we need in life. Yet, I felt like I had not made any progress with my life in the past few years. On top of that, I still don’t know who I am! I know who I am trying to be but it doesn’t click. So the past few days I’ve been struggling with uncovering all the masks I wear, finding the pieces of me, considering the reputation(s) I have, realizing there are things about myself I’m afraid to expose, simultaneously realizing the things about myself that are awesome, and wondering what to do about it all! I have also tried to fit into different labels and yet I just don’t belong to any of them.
I am just Laura. This imperfect human being among other imperfect humans.
Now onto something more specific. Behind the biggest mask, I hide my growing faith. I have been struggling with this mask because I like who I am here (online) and I don’t want to ‘scare’ people away or do a complete shift in focus if I mention the spiritual aspect of my simplicity journey. So, I created another online persona. But wait, that is not fair. I am not two different people. I shouldn’t have to maintain two different profiles and ‘personalities.’ I need to accept that I shouldn’t care what others think. We are all evolving. People come and go. Opinions and beliefs change. That’s life. Why should I try to hide something? I need to let it become an important thread in the fabric of my life. My online identities will now become one.
I’ll be using this faith to put the pieces of myself together and solidify my desire for a simple life. Staring now, I’m letting go of trying to fit within perfect labels and others’ expectations. I’m letting go of being afraid of what others may think of me and how I have changed. I’m slowly removing the masks. If you don’t want to stick around, I’m not asking you to. I do hope you will stay. Either way, I give you my love.