So here’s something that I haven’t seen much discussion about yet: minimalist weddings.
Jeanie Witcraft recently asked on Twitter, “Oh, minimalists, how would you plan a wedding?”
The question grabbed my attention because I had this post about minimalist weddings sitting around for a couple months. I’m planning my own wedding. and wanted to share my thoughts.
On page 140-141 of The Commitment, Dan Savage makes fun of the wedding industry:
“People won’t take your commitment seriously if you just run down to city hall or fly off to Vegas. If you want people to take your relationship seriously, if you want them to believe you’re really in love, then you need to marry in the presence of God, friends, family, ministers, caters, waiters, banquet hall managers, bakers, bartenders, disc jockeys, jewelers, florists, wedding consultants, limo drivers, photographers, videographers, and Web designers. Oh, and ice sculptors–don’t forget the ice sculptors.”
With all the stuff that comes with weddings these days, it’s easy to forget what the day is really about — the love and commitment between two people. It’s not about staging a huge production. It’s not about picking and displaying your best friends. It’s not about the four-tiered cake. It’s about two people. Simple.
When you hear the words, “minimalist wedding,” what comes to mind?
Do you envision tables covered in white with simple candles in the middle? Perhaps white square plates with small portions of food? Large or small gatherings? A ceremony in the woods or on a mountain? Perhaps the ultimate minimalist wedding would just have a couple, an officiant, and witnesses. Maybe there would be no officiant or witness: in Colorado, couples can marry themselves!
Let’s review the idea of minimalism. It’s not just about getting rid of stuff, it’s about eliminating the unessential things from your life and focusing on what truly matters to you. Basically, you get rid of what you can to make room for the things you really want. Can the concept be applied to a wedding? Of course!
The great thing about applying minimalism to a wedding is that every wedding will be uniquely different based on what you truly value. Some people may just want to elope, some want to celebrate with 500 friends, some will have a bare bones reception where everything is draped in white, others want the 3′ tall centerpieces, and some people want a BBQ at the beach. Weddings can be designed any way you want it! It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Who decided that every wedding had to have 300 guests and thousand-dollar designer dresses? Who decided the dresses had to make brides look like overdecorated vanilla cupcakes? Who made it a rule that we needed to send out save-the-dates? No one.
With that thinking in mind, I spent time perusing alternate wedding websites. Then a few months ago, I unsubscribed from all the wedding blogs I was reading. They were all great (Green Wedding Shoes, A Practical Wedding, Offbeat Bride, and a few others) but I finally had enough inspiration and was feeling overwhelmed. Even indie and green blogs are still wedding porn. In the end, after spending hours looking at these photos, I always felt like my wedding would never measure up. What kind of idea is that!? Who wants to feel like their wedding needs to be a performance? Not this girl. And probably not you.
Above all, it is very important to pay attention to what the day is about — the marriage. Too many people focus on the wedding and forget to pay attention to the marriage. Personally, my soon-to-be husband and I have spent many more hours taking classes and doing counseling/mentoring with older couples to help us build a solid foundation for our marriage. I highly recommend that every couple goes through a similar process before tying the knot.
So what’s my ideal wedding? My dream wedding is going deep in the woods on a picturesque lake and getting married to the love of my life with our parents and immediate family standing around us. This would then be followed with a vegan luncheon/BBQ where we played games and flew kites. Is this happening? No. But that’s OK.
When we sat down and started planning, we thought about what really matters to us:
- Each other. We just want to focus on each other.
- Being with our immediate families and closest friends.
- Eating good food.
- Excellent drinks – alcoholic & non-alcoholic.
- Not spending too much money on anything.
- Having a great time!
With these values in mind, it is easier to decide what unessential costs can be eliminated. A lot of the stuff that usually comes with weddings doesn’t really matter. That said, we are still keeping a few things traditional. Some things really work for us, and some things don’t. Some things are great for other couples, and not for us. That is what gives each wedding the potential to be beautifully unique — no two couples are the same.
Here’s what we are doing:
- Keeping the guest list at 80. Many things can change in the months leading up to a wedding, so the guest list can change (friends fall apart, people pass away, new people come into our lives), but we aimed for a specific number under 100 and kept it that way.
- N0 engagement parties. We had some glasses of champagne with some friends and that was all we needed.
- Skipping Save-the-Dates. With all the life-changing events that have been going on in my personal life over the past few months, Save the Dates were the last thing on my mind. While there are some really neat Save the Dates ideas out there, most of the ones I’ve seen are magnets or pictures – they get tacked up on the fridge and then tossed out after the wedding. So let’s spare my wallet the cost and spare your garbage of the eventual waste. Since only small handful of guests are from out of town and would need advance notice, I sent out a few e-mails and wrote some notes.
- No floral decor. Flowers are ridiculously expensive. Plus, where do they all go after the wedding is over? While I enjoy receiving flowers occasionally, I’m not a flower person and could care less about any silly arrangement on the tables. I don’t think anyone else would really care either. And no, I’m not carrying a flower bouquet either.
- Very small bridal party. My sister is my maid-of-honor, his sister is a bridesmaid, his good friend is his best man, and his brother is a groomsman. That’s all. While I do have some close friends that I would consider for a role in the bridal party, I wanted these friends to enjoy the party as guests and spare the chance of any issues arising from hurt feelings and politics. Your true friends will understand and be a little relieved that they won’t be expected to spend an obscene amount of money on a dress they’ll only wear once. And those people who have nine people in the wedding party? Ridiculous! It’s almost as if they’re trying to prove how many friends they have. No one has nine best friends. If you disagree, let me know!
- Seasonal, natural decor and food. We’re getting married in the fall, so expect lots of pumpkins and apples!
- Eliminating favors. I don’t care about personalized m&ms and little plastic tokens, so I won’t have them. (And if you’re seriously considering personalized m&ms or plastic toys, re-evaluate whether it’s worth the money to spend on expensive candy that will eaten in minutes or tokens no one really wants). If you really want favors, think outside the box. Some of my favorites have been charitable donations, recipe jars, plants, or nothing. Of all the weddings I’ve gone to, I don’t have the favors anymore. And I’m OK with that. Chances are, your guests will be OK with it too.
- Ceremony and reception in the same location. Saves on transportation costs.
- No limousines. We don’t need it. Our bridal party is small, and the reception is at the same location as the ceremony.
- Buffet dinner. Offers people flexibility in food options and saves on costs of dishes and catering staff.
- DIY decorations. Remember I said I didn’t want flowers? I’m using candles and fall accents to decorate the place. It will be amazing. The best part? The only thing I had to pay for were some craft supplies! I collected everything else from family and friends. I’m also making sure that almost every piece of decor can be reused as decor in our own home or placed outdoors without harm to the environment.
- No need to lavishly primp ourselves. No tanning, no nail salon, no teeth whitening. Why bother? We’re marrying each other with all of our faults and we look just beautiful the way we are!
- No honeymoon. This might be difficult for some people to grasp, but we are getting married in the fall – right in the beginning of the school year. I’m not going to take off work for a week in the beginning of a new job. We will do a couple weekend getaways over the winter holiday season and are considering international travel next year.
- Experiences registry. We’re not asking for china. We’re not asking for linens. We have everything we need already and the last thing I want is more stuff. So, we originally created a registry over at Deposit A Gift where friends and relatives can contribute to experiences. These could be ballroom dancing lessons, weekend getaways, classes, hot-air balloon rides, and whatever else we want to do! However, since the registry was established, it has changed into a tiny house registry! I can’t think of anything more exciting than building a home together in our first year of marriage.
In two days, I’ll be walking down an aisle through the forest towards the love of my life.
What are your opinions on weddings and minimalism in weddings? What have you done differently? What values did you incorporate in your wedding, and what kind of things did you eliminate? I’d love to hear what you have to say!